Today marks 12 days since I arrived back home from my travels overseas. It's quite crazy to me that it's been so long already, and while I think I'm finally adjusting back to my normal everyday life, I'm still lusting over my days spent roaming the streets of Florence and shopping on Oxford Street. As someone who loves pretending they live in a made up dream land, it was hard trading in my life free of stress, work, and responsibilities that I enjoyed the taste of in June. But alas, all good things must come to an end.
I have done so much growing over the past month, which is partially why I believe it feels so strange to come back, as I don't exactly seem to fit back here the same way I did before. I've learned so much about myself and about the world, and the little part of it that I've come to know as my own in my lifetime feels so much smaller now. I'm itching to see more, do more, be more. I now fully understand how and why people will completely drop everything and travel for months, years; it's hard to stop. What I'm about to say sounds incredibly cliché, but experiencing different cultures and exploring new places is so rejuvenating and good for the soul. As a shy introvert, I had a few anxieties and concerns surrounding the idea of travelling in a tour group for 20 days. I was afraid of people not liking me, of not being able to talk to anyone, and was also wary of not getting enough time to myself to recharge. In retrospect, however, it ended up being one of the best things I could have done. I met so many amazing people from all over the world, and formed some incredible friendships. The relationships you make with fellow travellers is so special. You don't know each other for very long, but you'll always remember and share these memories of some of the best weeks of your lives together. It was actually very strange adjusting back to being alone a majority of the time when I came home, which is something I enjoyed so much beforehand. It was just a very sudden, stark change. Here are some things I noted while I was on the road:
I can't wait to share photos and stories of my favourite places in upcoming blog posts. There have been some other things going on in my life that have proved it difficult to get back in the swing of writing, but it feels nice. Over the past week and a half, I've been bombarded with questions of where and when my next adventure is. I've been so preoccupied trying to process this past month that I haven't even began thinking of what lies ahead. All I can really say is that I really, really hope it's sooner than later. C
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The day this post goes live, Sunday, June 4th, marks one year that I've been vegan. It's a bit crazy to look back on it and think that so much time has passed, yet it feels like just yesterday. I've learned a lot over the past 12 months, and I've definitely changed immensely as a person - as you do. A lot of these changes were definitely shaped by my moral-driven decision to go vegan, so I wanted to compile a list of things that the universe has taught me along my journey.
Going vegan was the single most humbling experiences of my life. It brought me closer to animals and the planet, and I feel so much more at peace with myself. That being said, I know that it's only a small step in the right direction. There is so much more that we're capable of doing, and I hope that in the years to come, I'll keep on bettering myself, one thing at a time. C Last Monday, I turned 20 years old. I spent the day doing some of the things I love most, such as admiring the brilliantly sunny day, drinking Starbucks, browsing cute boutiques and sipping fruity cocktails - and to celebrate turning into an official adult, I was reminded of just how young I still look when I got carded for the first time in my life! Ah, adulthood.
Amidst the celebrations and buzz of my "golden" birthday, I couldn't help but feel a loss in the pit of my stomach. It's a strange feeling, leaving your teens. Every birthday leading up to this one I'd woken up with the same anti-climactic feeling of... not feeling any different at all. This one was different however, and I know it was all just in my head, but I felt some sort of change. And it was a bittersweet experience. My teenage years weren't like most peoples. I feel as though my depression and social anxiety took away key elements to that chunk of my life that I'll never get back, or get to experience with everyone else when they did. I know that my mental health is not my own fault - I don't necessarily blame myself. I don't regret everything - but I do some things. I regret not pushing myself more, not leaving my isolated bubble even though it felt impossible. I regret trying so hard for the wrong reasons, for not showing myself compassion for the longest time. I regret letting friendships grow loose ends due to my own insecurities and fears. In hindsight, many of these things were avoidable. But being a person is hard sometimes, especially when you're only 16, so I try to cut myself some slack. I guess what I'm getting at is that leaving my teens was difficult because I felt as if I hadn't caught up with everyone else yet. I feel so much younger than I really am, and I wasn't ready to enter a new decade since I hadn't fully lived my last one yet. However, as sad as it all was letting it go, there was also a sense of relief leaving that time that was filled with so many bad memories behind. It's not as if now that I'm 20 I know everything, and that I'll start living my life to the fullest right now - I still have to learn, and I have many hurdles to cross. But it still felt symbolic to me, like starting a new chapter. How cheesy is that? My life may not have worked itself out the way that I expected, but really, does anything? Everyone moves at their own rate, and right now, my main focus is on making sure I just feel content with myself in this moment. I can only hope that the next 10 years are filled with self growth, acceptance, and new experiences. I pledge to embrace and try to better understand my apprehension, not suppress it. C A question I've been receiving all too often lately is something along the lines of: "So... what do you want to do with your life?" Or the classic: "What are your plans for University?" These are usually followed by a blank stare on my behalf, because really, I have no idea what the answers are. I've just graduated from a pre-uni cegep program this past December, and I'm currently taking (at least) one semester off to (hopefully) figure things out.
In 2014, I began studying Creative Arts in the Media Arts profile at John Abbott College, which isn't like traditional college outside of Quebec. Cegep is like an intermediate step, usually lasting two years, in between High School and University. It's essentially an opportunity to test the waters and dabble into different interests without forking over thousands of dollars in tuition just yet. My program was interesting, as I got to experience and try my hand at many different forms of art, such as creative writing, photography, writing for news, and digital media. I definitely grew as an artist over the course of these past two and a half years. However, I still haven't quite found my calling. Hence, why I haven't committed myself to University just yet - and truthfully, why I'm shying away from the idea altogether. For the past few years of my academic life, school has been very challenging for me. Not so much in the sense that I wasn't getting good grades, but more mentally and emotionally. My heart just wasn't in it like it used to be when I was young. It didn't feel like what I truly wanted to be doing with my time and energy, but I pushed those feelings away since school is the only thing I've ever known, and no one else seemed to be having these thoughts. Almost everyone else seemed to be figuring out which programs, schools, and careers interested them, while I felt like I was a million steps behind because I didn't even have a single direction to turn. At first, I looked forward to this time off to recuperate, and hopefully get back into the swing of school as soon as possible. However, now that it's finally come, it feels like such a liberation I can't even describe. Like weights off my shoulders, and like I finally have time to create the life I've always wanted to create. Yet, there's a looming shadow of doubt in the very corner of my mind, never letting me forget how unconventional the path I've taken is. But I must keep reminding myself that I am my own person, and what works for most may not work for me. And I must keep reminding myself that I'm only 19, on the edge of 20, and I don't really need to be sure of anything just yet. Recently, I've fostered a deep appreciation and love for word art, such as typography and calligraphy. It's always been something I've admired, but now it's a hobby that I'd love to incorporate more into my life somehow. I've bought myself a drawing tablet to create my own art that I plan on selling to whoever likes it, and I want to put even more effort into this blog. I enjoy having an online presence, and raising my voice about things that I'm passionate about is very important to me. I'm hoping that eventually, this blog can expand into something bigger. I don't know what, exactly, but I'm excited nonetheless. C Happy 2017! I know we're already a week in, and the resolution posts have pretty much exhausted themselves, but I wanted to make my own anyway. This year, I wrote mine in my brand new (!) bullet journal. I've been having so much fun with this little guy, and I'm glad these will be kept somewhere safe and close to me. You can read all 5 of my main resolutions in the photo above. I'm going to go a bit more into detail and explain them further in this post.
1. Spread Kindness. I think, or at least, I hope that I've always been a relatively kind person. While some find it a boring trait, I've personally always loved being associated with the words "nice" or "friendly". There are far too many awful people in the world, and I don't want to contribute to that. As I touched on in my previous post, I was overwhelmed in 2016 as my eyes were opened to how much hate and sadness there is in the world. This year, I want to go out of my way to make the world a lighter and happier place. I want to be less shy and compliment strangers and my friends more. I want to continue reflecting on the thoughts I have, especially regarding other people. No judgment. Just because you don't voice negative opinions or thoughts doesn't mean that the negative energy isn't still there. I want to be full of positive thoughts and energy only. Furthermore, I want to strengthen friendships and create new ones. Through dealing with mental illness, I've realised how focussed on myself I've been these past few years. Not that there's anything wrong with that, per se, but I feel as though I've neglected relationships in my life that are important to me, and I want to put more into them and let those in my life know that I care about them. 2. More Self-Love. Over the course of 2016, I feel like I've really blossomed into somebody I'm happy with. I feel very at peace with my spirit, and learn to love my physical self more and more each day. Of course, some days are a step backwards, and comparison has always been my worst enemy. In 2017, I want to truly focus on bettering myself for myself. I want to realise my worth, and appreciate myself and the struggles I've been through to get to this point. I want to do things that I care about and that make me happy, just for the purely selfish reason of making myself feel alive again. 3. Conscious Beauty Shopping. Despite having been vegan for 7 months, vegan beauty products and toiletries are still challenging for me. I always, without a doubt, buy cruelty-free, but the ingredients are what I sometimes struggle with. I want to do much more research on shopping vegan this year, and really get to know which non-vegan ingredients to look out for. The amount of times I've bought hair or body products and then realised afterwards that there was honey in them is heart-breaking. It's only a mistake, but that's not an excuse. I can do better. 4. Eat Healthier. Oh boy.. well, it's January 7th, and let's just say I haven't made any significant strides towards this one. If you know anything about my diet, you would know that I'm the personification of the term "junk food vegan". Like, junk food vegan times twenty. Truthfully, it's pretty gross. I'm so sick of feeling constantly lethargic, drained of energy, bloated, and unsatisfied. It will be a process, but I want (and need) to start eating a more balanced diet full of nutrients and wholesomeness. I would love to cook more. In the end, I just want to be taking care of my body and giving it the nourishment it deserves. 5. More Creative Stimulation. 2016 was a strange year for my creativity. It was a roller coaster of ups and downs in terms of motivation and productivity. I went through periods of time where all I wanted to do were write and draw; other times I didn't pick up a pencil for weeks or months. Being in school was a major obstacle. This past final semester was especially draining for me, both mentally and physically. School took up just about all of my free time, yet I had no motivation for it at all. This then left me with no motivation for anything creative on my own terms. With my time off this year, I want to focus on making this a priority in my life. I want to blog more, read more, draw more, and constantly surround myself with art in any form, because it's what I love the most. I no longer want to starve myself of things that I'm passionate about. I need to find that artistic motivation within myself somehow, and I'm determined. There is probably another infinite number of goals I could add to this list, but I want to keep it short and realistic. Remember that it's never too early or late to make positive changes in your life. C I've always been a sucker for the cheesy resolution lists and vows to be a better person every time a new year rolls around. Maybe it's partly due to my love for writing lists in general, but I think it's mostly because I love the idea of self improvement.
2016 was pretty bad. It was a year full of political horrors, significant deaths, and an all-encompassing blanket of sorrow seemed to smother us all, more and more with each passing day. My ability to feel empathy so strongly is both a blessing and a curse. It allows me to be compassionate, kind, and caring to everyone - but it's also very overwhelming for me to see such horrible things occuring all around the world. It breaks my heart that people are living in such terrible conditions. It breaks my heart that some people are punished simply for being who they are. And, simply put, it absolutely kills me that I cannot do much to help them. I feel like I've grown so much in the past 12 months. My eyes have been opened to so many things, and I've grown passionate about so many issues. I've also realised that most of the western world doesn't care about a lot of these things that mean so much to me. Most of us don't actively care about people across the world who are suffering, or what's happening to our planet. 2016 was a year of frustration for me. I was so frustrated that bad things were happening everywhere, and even more frustrated that most people didn't seem to care. I wanted so badly to grab each person by the shoulders, shake, and tell them to snap into reality and make a change. I wanted change on a large scale so badly, that I lost sight of the small impacts I could have on my own. 2017 will be a year of healing. I will channel this years frustration, which was only fueled by passion, into my own actions. I have come to realise that sometimes, the only thing you can do is lead by example. This past year, I learned where my morals lie. I discovered the things that I care about, and that give me a purpose. The things that I want to climb a mountain and yell about for everyone to hear. Going vegan triggered such a significant transformation within myself, and I feel such a deeper connection to my own mind. I had many ups and downs with mental health, but I feel better now. I staggered through fits of helplessness, self doubt, and loneliness. But now I feel at peace. On a personal level, 2016 wasn't all bad. I've learned so much about myself through the hardships this year has thrown at me. I've said those words before, but I don't think I've ever truly meant them until right now. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do know that all these things that happened to me had some sort of impact on who I've become, and it all worked out in the end. This coming year, I will be gentle. I will cherish relationships that I've realised are important to me. I will be kinder, and I will spread love wherever I can, including to myself. I will continue to grow and heal. I will flourish. I've never been so excited to watch the clock strike midnight. I wish you all the best as well. C When dealing with mental illness, it's so easy to fall into the trap of romanticizing recovery as this journey that will be nothing but sunshine and gum drops, when in reality it's an up and down, all around kind of process. It's long, it's tedious, it's exhausting at times. And I often find myself going through periods of time, usually lasting from a day to a week or two, where my vision at the end of the tunnel is so clouded and distorted that it doesn't seem real anymore, and I fall back into old habits and thoughts. And when they're things that used to consume you and control your mind at one point, it's hard to look at it all from an outside perspective and pull yourself out. So you just kind of... wallow in it for awhile and wait to save yourself. You hope that'll happen, anyway.
The past week has been so off for me, and all I really wanted to do was sit in my room and not speak. I didn't exactly want to cry or scream, but it was more this all encompassing feeling of nothing. But everything at the same time. I just wanted to sit and be alone and figure things out. I didn't do much of that last one, though. Chores were left undone to pile up. Daily routines and responsibilities were exhausting, to say the least. I feel like I create this image for myself that I want to be perceived as by other people, but that I also genuinely want to be, which is this positive, colourful, look-on-the-bright-side kind of person. My motto in life is basically "Fake it 'til you make it". So I try really hard to be this person that I want to be, and I think others hold me to this standard, but more importantly, I think I hold myself to this standard. So when I unwillingly spiral back down into one of these moods, I ultimately feel worse... because then I feel like I've failed, or that this isn't who I'm supposed to be. When really, there's no rules or guidelines to being. All feelings are valid. I constantly have to remind myself that it's a constant process, and I don't know if it's a journey that really has a destination. Maybe it will always be something I need to work on. Which is frustrating. But maybe not accepting that is what's holding me back. C I'll be the first to admit that I have quite an uneventful life. As much as I crave adventure, travel, and fun, most of my summer is spent relaxing at home or not venturing past my own city. However, with one of my best friends leaving for school across the country in only a few weeks, we vowed to make the most of the season and do as many things as possible. We'd been itching to travel down past the border into the Adirondacks for some spectacular mountain views, and when we both had this Saturday off work and the forecast called for warmth and mostly sun, we took the opportunity. I woke up just before the sun at 4:30 am, and we left at 6 to get an early head-start. The drive from Quebec into the States is quite boring, but it was at least sunny and it didn't take too long before we got a beautiful view of the mountain backdrop in the distance. We made it to Whiteface Mountain just in time for when they start allowing cars to drive up, 8:45, and we began our incline. After an increasingly nervous and terrifying drive, we made it up. An elevator brought us to the very top (we could've taken the stairs, but I mean, we're definitely not hikers), and the views were just breathtaking. I've never been on a mountain that high before. The highest point is nearly 4.9 thousand feet high. The views were absolutely incredible. As a person who's terrified of heights, I really didn't feel scared of nervous at all. It was so peaceful and serene up there at that time of the morning. Before other hikers made it to the top, the silence was so comforting. You felt invincible. After we said goodbye to Whiteface, we took an even more nerve-wracking trek downhill. We travelled a little ways over to visit High Falls Gorge, a small nature park with stunning waterfall views. The trail is only about 30-40 minutes, but I got some incredible photos. We drove into Lake Placid for lunch, and it was the cutest little town. It was buzzing with lots of people on that Saturday afternoon, and the mountains in the distance over Lake Mirror were beautiful. Of course, I managed to find a small quaint vegan/vegetarian friendly cafe, and had a Tofurkey sandwich with veggies and vegan cheese. It was delicious, and after we ate, we headed back towards Ausable Chasm for our last little adventure. This chasm is said to be the "Grand Canyon of the Adirondacks". I don't have any photos from here, since my silly self didn't know it would be such a long trail and that you could bring your phone along on the rafting rides. This trail certainly tested my fear of heights much more than the mountain. You look down, and you see a straight drop down into rushing water over a hundred feet down. It was scary, but incredible. We took a raft tour down the river, which was beautiful. I'm so in love with nature, but don't take nearly enough time to really appreciate it. I really tried to take it all this day. After another short sleep that night, I woke up nice and early to head down to Osheaga, Montreal's own music festival, with the same friend. There was about 30 or so people waiting in line ahead of us to get in, so we got a good feeling we'd be getting a good spot near the stage. Both me and my friend came to see one of our favourite artists, BØRNS. It was also my first experience at Osheaga, which I knew was going to a stressful one for me. After a chaotic entrance into the festival and bag check, we speed walked toward the stage as security yelled for no one to run behind us. We got barricade! I was so incredibly excited. We watched Melanie Martinez perform first, and my energy began to rise. As expected, Garrett's set was absolutely incredible, and it was such an amazing experience to finally watch him perform live as I didn't think I'd have the chance anytime soon. His effortless high notes and sweet voice were like listening to an angel. We left the crowd after his performance, as there wasn't any other artists we were dying to see. We walked around a bit, refilled our water, and tried to escape the blazing hot sun for awhile. We ended up meeting with a girl who was also a fan of Garrett, and was also dying to meet him. After scoping out the area, we virtually had no idea how we'd be able to know where he was and where he would exit from backstage. I didn't have much hope, since meeting celebrities at a music festival is such a game of luck, something I usually don't have much of. However, later on in the day, we heard news that he was in the crowd watching Grimes performing, so we rushed over and were able to say hello and speak for a few minutes. He was honestly the kindest and most gentle person I've ever met, which was incredibly reassuring since I had felt like such a nuisance coming up to him at a festival where he was trying to have a good time. We took some photos and thanked each other before he left to go backstage. It was so nice and just the cherry on top of such a great weekend. Although, I have to say, I don't know if I would ever go back to a music festival unless there was an artist I loved that much, as the giant crowds of people gave me a lot of anxiety and the heat and my own impatience made me quite cranky. It was all worth it in the end, though, and I'm so grateful I got to go. And that was my eventful weekend! I guess now I'm back to normal life, as I'll be leaving for work in 2 hours. I wanted to document these experiences, though, because I know for sure they will be memories I look back on for years to come. If you can, set aside a weekend to do something you've been wanting to do but have never made the full commitment. It's so rewarding and you will feel rejuvenated! Sometimes all we need is a good getaway from our regular routines. C I think I've always struggled to find the proper ways to express myself. I've never found myself to be particularly good at anything, despite labeling myself as quite a creative and art admiring spirit. I've tried drawing, painting, poetry, and I feel most myself when I'm writing. As a kid I would start writing novels on my computer that I would give up on after one chapter. I would thrive in english classes when we were given the chance to tell stories. Later on through my schooling, my creativity surrounding writing slowly diminished. Maybe partly from outside sources, but probably mostly from my own lack of motivation and confidence.
I was always that girl who tried to seem like she was always exercising her mind by writing a journal daily and reading regularly, but in actual fact, these were all exhausting tasks for me to keep up with. The reasons for this are vast and not something I want to discuss right now, but all I knew, was that by not writing freely, I was only hurting myself. “It seemed to me that if I didn’t write, I would disappear.” — Frederick Seidel So, this is my blog. Or online journal, scrapbook - whatever you want to call it. I have this constant urge to share things with the world, and if anyone wants to listen, that's great. But mostly, this page will be my own space to try to express understand myself a bit better. As a microscopic introduction, here are some facts:
That's all I have to say today. Hopefully I can stick with this project, and maybe people will stick around. Thanks for reading! C |
Authoradmirer of beautiful things, amateur artist, perpetually confused. Archives
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