Last Monday, I turned 20 years old. I spent the day doing some of the things I love most, such as admiring the brilliantly sunny day, drinking Starbucks, browsing cute boutiques and sipping fruity cocktails - and to celebrate turning into an official adult, I was reminded of just how young I still look when I got carded for the first time in my life! Ah, adulthood.
Amidst the celebrations and buzz of my "golden" birthday, I couldn't help but feel a loss in the pit of my stomach. It's a strange feeling, leaving your teens. Every birthday leading up to this one I'd woken up with the same anti-climactic feeling of... not feeling any different at all. This one was different however, and I know it was all just in my head, but I felt some sort of change. And it was a bittersweet experience. My teenage years weren't like most peoples. I feel as though my depression and social anxiety took away key elements to that chunk of my life that I'll never get back, or get to experience with everyone else when they did. I know that my mental health is not my own fault - I don't necessarily blame myself. I don't regret everything - but I do some things. I regret not pushing myself more, not leaving my isolated bubble even though it felt impossible. I regret trying so hard for the wrong reasons, for not showing myself compassion for the longest time. I regret letting friendships grow loose ends due to my own insecurities and fears. In hindsight, many of these things were avoidable. But being a person is hard sometimes, especially when you're only 16, so I try to cut myself some slack. I guess what I'm getting at is that leaving my teens was difficult because I felt as if I hadn't caught up with everyone else yet. I feel so much younger than I really am, and I wasn't ready to enter a new decade since I hadn't fully lived my last one yet. However, as sad as it all was letting it go, there was also a sense of relief leaving that time that was filled with so many bad memories behind. It's not as if now that I'm 20 I know everything, and that I'll start living my life to the fullest right now - I still have to learn, and I have many hurdles to cross. But it still felt symbolic to me, like starting a new chapter. How cheesy is that? My life may not have worked itself out the way that I expected, but really, does anything? Everyone moves at their own rate, and right now, my main focus is on making sure I just feel content with myself in this moment. I can only hope that the next 10 years are filled with self growth, acceptance, and new experiences. I pledge to embrace and try to better understand my apprehension, not suppress it. C
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Authoradmirer of beautiful things, amateur artist, perpetually confused. Archives
June 2017
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