When dealing with mental illness, it's so easy to fall into the trap of romanticizing recovery as this journey that will be nothing but sunshine and gum drops, when in reality it's an up and down, all around kind of process. It's long, it's tedious, it's exhausting at times. And I often find myself going through periods of time, usually lasting from a day to a week or two, where my vision at the end of the tunnel is so clouded and distorted that it doesn't seem real anymore, and I fall back into old habits and thoughts. And when they're things that used to consume you and control your mind at one point, it's hard to look at it all from an outside perspective and pull yourself out. So you just kind of... wallow in it for awhile and wait to save yourself. You hope that'll happen, anyway.
The past week has been so off for me, and all I really wanted to do was sit in my room and not speak. I didn't exactly want to cry or scream, but it was more this all encompassing feeling of nothing. But everything at the same time. I just wanted to sit and be alone and figure things out. I didn't do much of that last one, though. Chores were left undone to pile up. Daily routines and responsibilities were exhausting, to say the least. I feel like I create this image for myself that I want to be perceived as by other people, but that I also genuinely want to be, which is this positive, colourful, look-on-the-bright-side kind of person. My motto in life is basically "Fake it 'til you make it". So I try really hard to be this person that I want to be, and I think others hold me to this standard, but more importantly, I think I hold myself to this standard. So when I unwillingly spiral back down into one of these moods, I ultimately feel worse... because then I feel like I've failed, or that this isn't who I'm supposed to be. When really, there's no rules or guidelines to being. All feelings are valid. I constantly have to remind myself that it's a constant process, and I don't know if it's a journey that really has a destination. Maybe it will always be something I need to work on. Which is frustrating. But maybe not accepting that is what's holding me back. C
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Authoradmirer of beautiful things, amateur artist, perpetually confused. Archives
June 2017
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