Today marks 12 days since I arrived back home from my travels overseas. It's quite crazy to me that it's been so long already, and while I think I'm finally adjusting back to my normal everyday life, I'm still lusting over my days spent roaming the streets of Florence and shopping on Oxford Street. As someone who loves pretending they live in a made up dream land, it was hard trading in my life free of stress, work, and responsibilities that I enjoyed the taste of in June. But alas, all good things must come to an end.
I have done so much growing over the past month, which is partially why I believe it feels so strange to come back, as I don't exactly seem to fit back here the same way I did before. I've learned so much about myself and about the world, and the little part of it that I've come to know as my own in my lifetime feels so much smaller now. I'm itching to see more, do more, be more. I now fully understand how and why people will completely drop everything and travel for months, years; it's hard to stop. What I'm about to say sounds incredibly cliché, but experiencing different cultures and exploring new places is so rejuvenating and good for the soul. As a shy introvert, I had a few anxieties and concerns surrounding the idea of travelling in a tour group for 20 days. I was afraid of people not liking me, of not being able to talk to anyone, and was also wary of not getting enough time to myself to recharge. In retrospect, however, it ended up being one of the best things I could have done. I met so many amazing people from all over the world, and formed some incredible friendships. The relationships you make with fellow travellers is so special. You don't know each other for very long, but you'll always remember and share these memories of some of the best weeks of your lives together. It was actually very strange adjusting back to being alone a majority of the time when I came home, which is something I enjoyed so much beforehand. It was just a very sudden, stark change. Here are some things I noted while I was on the road:
I can't wait to share photos and stories of my favourite places in upcoming blog posts. There have been some other things going on in my life that have proved it difficult to get back in the swing of writing, but it feels nice. Over the past week and a half, I've been bombarded with questions of where and when my next adventure is. I've been so preoccupied trying to process this past month that I haven't even began thinking of what lies ahead. All I can really say is that I really, really hope it's sooner than later. C
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* Disclaimer: I want to recognise what a sensitive topic this is to many people. I can only speak on my own behalf, from my own experience and perspective, and I am fully open and eager to hear others' opinions, thoughts, and views. The comment section is open for healthy discussion. Growing up as a small girl, I've heard my fair share of comments such as: "Why are you so skinny?" or: "Eat a burger!" These comments have always made me feel uncomfortable, as any sort of attention drawn to my body is enough to make me want to disappear from the room.
Since the age of 12, I've struggled with body confidence. As a short, lanky little girl, I felt inferior to other girls my age as they started going through puberty and began sprouting into young women, while I stayed flat, thin, and boy-ish. This continued for most of my teenage life, until I accepted my fate as a small-chested girl. I found peace in that. However, the comparisons between me and everyone else never ceased inside my head, and I still longed for their curves and femininity. I felt guilty. If I ever complained about my body as a 15 year old, friends and peers would tell me, "I wish I was skinny like you." "You think you have a bad body? What does that make mine?" And over time, I started scolding my own thoughts. Heavier girls are at such a bigger disadvantage in our society, who am I to complain about being too small? I tried suppressing it. It was incredibly unhealthy. No one should ever invalidate their own feelings. But that's exactly what I did, letting the guilt build up over the years. When weight struggles and body issues became a more widely discussed topic, I discovered that so many other smaller girls had experienced the same feelings as me, and that I wasn't alone. It was so, so comforting. I no longer felt bad for the way I felt - it wasn't my fault. I feel the things I feel, and that's okay. Seeing so many other girls being ridiculed for their lack of curves or "female assets" saddened me. It angered me when people would claim that fat shaming was a bigger issue, because it felt like once again, my feelings were being invalidated. We all have insecurities, and making someone feel bad about their body, no matter what size, is horrible. I thought, this is just as bad as shaming someone for being overweight. Do I still think this way? It's complicated, but not quite. Here's why. The main difference between skinny girls and big girls is representation in the media. Seeing plus sized models is only becoming a more regular thing as of late, and even still, we have a long way to go. For example, consider the fact that we even need to refer to these women as "plus sized models" in the first place, as opposed to just... regular sized models? Pretty messed up. See, we all know that almost none of us look like a Kardashian or Hadid, whether we're skinny or not. Being small does not equate to having a supermodel body. But from a young age, we're bombarded with images of girls with flat stomachs and thigh gaps, and even though I don't look like a Victoria's Secret model, I can relate more to that body standard than I imagine a girl with thick thighs and a round tummy can. The very word "fat" has become an insult, whereas skinny can even be used a compliment by some. Calling someone fat has completely different implications than calling someone skinny. Small girls are praised for their bodies; envied, sought after. While comments on their weight are not always taken as compliments - I can attest to that - all feelings aside, it must be looked at from a non-biased, objective perspective, and my view on it is that skinny girls still have it easier. Does that invalidate our feelings? No. Does that mean it's okay to insult someone for being skinny? Hell no. It still hurts. I still believe that judging someone based on their body type, small or big, is wrong. But we don't live in a society that constantly shames and isolates skinny people. In the end, we're all just people, and we shouldn't be tearing each other down. Shift the focus. Resist the shallow beauty standards we've been taught, and let's reclaim the word "fat". C Matt & Nat is a Canadian Vegan leather goods brand based out of Montreal, Quebec (shoutout to my hometown!). A quick browse-through of their website shows the brands simple, minimalist design preference and style. From wallets to cross-bodies, to yoga bags to diaper bags, they have just about everything.
Living in Montreal myself, I have seen this brand out and about a few times. However, it wasn't until after I went vegan that I learned about what an amazing, ethical company Matt & Nat is. Standing for Material + Nature, their cruelty free leather is made from PU and PVC. Each bag is lined with material made out of recycled plastic bottles. Each factory is routinely visited and those involved in the process of producing their products are treated fairly and ethically. To read up more on their ethics and sustainability efforts, visit their dedicated page. In terms of cost, I see their pricing as reasonable. Brand name animal leather pieces go for much, much more, and for the quality of M&N, I believe the prices are worth it. I originally started searching for a new backpack when I first booked my trip to Europe. Months ago, I'd been looking into purchasing a M&N backpack, but couldn't afford to treat myself to one just yet. When the opportunity arose, I began searching distributers and websites for sales and promo codes. Eventually, after a couple of weeks of snooping the internet, I managed to snatch up a basically brand new bag for a bargain. Like, a crazy bargain. I still loving telling everyone. My bag is the July backpack from the Dwell Collection in Black. It features a very simplistic, clean design, with nice silver hardware and a smaller pocket on the front. After testing out this bag for a couple of weeks now, I am extremely happy with it. The quality is amazing; the leather feels soft and high quality. The straps are nicely padded, which is handy when carrying a lot of weight, or for carrying it for long periods of time. The straps are also easily adjustable, with a cloth-y material straps woven through the adjustment loops. (Alright, that was the worst description, but you can see what I mean on their website). This is a small but very useful detail, since leather straps would have been much more difficult to slide through the loops and adjust. The zippers glide easily and smoothly, and the size is perfect. I can easily fit my 13" Macbook Air inside, however I don't know if anything larger would work. I haven't experienced any pain or discomfort while wearing it. Functions and practicality aside, it's also just a very lovely bag to look at, and matches just about any outfit. All in all, I highly recommend Matt & Nat to anyone. I think it's important to support ethical, and in my case local, brands wherever and whenever we can. I definitely plan on indulging in some more pieces in the future, and I won't need to feel guilty about where my money is going. The day this post goes live, Sunday, June 4th, marks one year that I've been vegan. It's a bit crazy to look back on it and think that so much time has passed, yet it feels like just yesterday. I've learned a lot over the past 12 months, and I've definitely changed immensely as a person - as you do. A lot of these changes were definitely shaped by my moral-driven decision to go vegan, so I wanted to compile a list of things that the universe has taught me along my journey.
Going vegan was the single most humbling experiences of my life. It brought me closer to animals and the planet, and I feel so much more at peace with myself. That being said, I know that it's only a small step in the right direction. There is so much more that we're capable of doing, and I hope that in the years to come, I'll keep on bettering myself, one thing at a time. C Next to my glasses, my style is probably the second most common thing people comment on when they see me; my dad has started calling me his '60's girl'. I don't think my fashion sense is that eclectic, but I mean, I do catch myself seeing 70 year old women in public and thinking, 'I like her shoes,' and I guess most other 20 year old girls can't relate.
I have a very special connection to fashion. Whether my style is seen as fashionable or not isn't what's important to me; it's all about self expression. It's how I present myself to the world. As a generally quiet and reserved person, I like to wear things that show off my personality without necessarily having to tell people all about myself. Over the past few months, my wardrobe has done a complete 180. I used to be too shy to wear anything that would possibly make me stand out in a crowd. Once you start doing it anyway, you realise no one is really paying attention in the first place, and there was nothing to ever be afraid of. It's so liberating to just do and wear what you want. I spent so long admiring other girls for wearing straight leg jeans and mom jeans, never believing that I could pull off anything but black skinnies. The truth is, you can pull off anything you want to pull off. It all comes down to the confidence you wear with it. At the beginning of this year, as my love for thrift haul video on YouTube grew, I found numerous vintage fashion bloggers. Notably, I found YouTuber Lucy Vallely, a 15 year old dancer with amazing style. Seriously, she looks like she stepped straight out of the 70's, and I love it. Watching her rock her retro outfits inspired me immensely, and I owe my rekindled love for clothing as art to her. Slowly, I began thrifting more, and conditioned myself to let go of what I thought I should be wearing because of what was trendy or what was traditionally "flattering" on my frame. Now, I've found myself channeling my inner 70's/boho/borderline-grandpa/whatever/mixed style, and I've embraced it. I just started buying things that I thought looked cool and interesting. Fashion should never have rules, especially rules pertaining to weight and body type. If I could offer one piece of advice, it would be to forget those restraints that we've been taught. Find what you love. Realise that no one else's opinion on your style matter, at all. Wear it. Love it. And don't take yourself too seriously. C As I've gotten older, my skin has grown more and more sacred to me. As someone who has and continues to struggle with blemishes, flakiness, redness, and everything in between, I've tried my fair share of products. My routine is ever-changing, whether it be due to changes in the weather or whether I was just too lazy to repurchase something I had finished up. Last summer, I shared the products I was loving then in this post. A few products have managed to stick around, but I've discovered some holy grails since then. Here are the things I'm loving now. Morning Routine
Nighttime Routine
To hear me ramble on about this products in greater detail, feel free to check out my corresponding YouTube video I posted today as well: C A few weeks ago, I picked up a set of watercolour paints and brushes at Homesense. It was a pretty spur of the moment decision, but I've spent most nights since either painting or sketching up ideas for future pieces. I've struggled finding my favourite forms of art to express myself. I'm quite hard on myself, and comparison is my worst enemy. I think one reason I've been enjoying watercolours so much is that it doesn't have to look perfect. My art style is quite messy - I like things to look sketched and home-made, if that makes sense. I like how this style of painting pairs with that. Below are two pieces I've made in the past couple of weeks that I'm particularly proud of. I've posted both on my Instagram, but since I've now got a shiny new scanner, I wanted to upload them here to show you all in greater quality. If you're at all interested, these pieces are also both available as prints on my brand new Society6 account as well! (Bit'a self promo never hurt anyone). I can't wait to keep working and improving in this new medium. "Citrus" "Hippie Bus" P.S.: Check out my new blog design! I've handmade new headers for each page. Let me know what you think! C Ever since I was young, I've always desperately wanted to be British, and I decided pretty early on that one day, I would end up in England - and visit the Eiffel Tower frequently. I've always just been so fascinated by the culture, and it's always been one of my biggest dreams to visit there one day. Which is why it's so surreal to have purchased a plane ticket with my name on it to London.
On June 8th, my best friend and I will fly ourselves over to the UK, where we'll be experiencing what promises to be the trip of a lifetime. In London, we will board a coach bus that will trek us through Paris, the Swiss Alps, Nice, Florence, Venice, Rome, Austria, Berlin, Prague, Amsterdam - and those are only the ones I can remember off the top of my head. It will be 20 days of pure adventure, inspiration, and joy. I realise that travelling is such a privilege. It's expensive, time-consuming, and not everybody can simply drop everything and leave. However, when this opportunity arose, and everything seemed to fall perfectly into place - even though I was terrified, I just couldn't say no. I have worked so hard to save the money that I've saved so that one day, I could do something spontaneous and exciting like this. I have a history of saying "no" far too often; passing up on experiences because of my anxiety magnifying things that could possibly go wrong or because of how it may be a challenge. To some, this all probably sounds silly. Why would I even hesitate going to Europe for a month if I have the necessary funds and resources? I know that so many people would kill for that opportunity, and would take it in a heartbeat. I don't want it to sound like I'm diminishing what a truly life-changing experience this will be, or how lucky I am for it to even be possible in the first place - but rather I'm just trying to work through my anxiety surrounding travel in general. I can't help the way I feel and the fears I face. But I can try to learn to move past them. I promised myself that 20 would be different. I want to do things and live my life in a way that makes me happy and excited to be alive. Am I scared? Of course. But I mostly can't wait. So if there's something you've been considering but been hesitant about - whether it be booking a trip, quitting your job, or cutting your hair, take fear out of the equation. Look at your situation from an objective perspective and figure out what you truly want. I can't wait to share my travels with you this summer. Only 37 days! C Last Monday, I turned 20 years old. I spent the day doing some of the things I love most, such as admiring the brilliantly sunny day, drinking Starbucks, browsing cute boutiques and sipping fruity cocktails - and to celebrate turning into an official adult, I was reminded of just how young I still look when I got carded for the first time in my life! Ah, adulthood.
Amidst the celebrations and buzz of my "golden" birthday, I couldn't help but feel a loss in the pit of my stomach. It's a strange feeling, leaving your teens. Every birthday leading up to this one I'd woken up with the same anti-climactic feeling of... not feeling any different at all. This one was different however, and I know it was all just in my head, but I felt some sort of change. And it was a bittersweet experience. My teenage years weren't like most peoples. I feel as though my depression and social anxiety took away key elements to that chunk of my life that I'll never get back, or get to experience with everyone else when they did. I know that my mental health is not my own fault - I don't necessarily blame myself. I don't regret everything - but I do some things. I regret not pushing myself more, not leaving my isolated bubble even though it felt impossible. I regret trying so hard for the wrong reasons, for not showing myself compassion for the longest time. I regret letting friendships grow loose ends due to my own insecurities and fears. In hindsight, many of these things were avoidable. But being a person is hard sometimes, especially when you're only 16, so I try to cut myself some slack. I guess what I'm getting at is that leaving my teens was difficult because I felt as if I hadn't caught up with everyone else yet. I feel so much younger than I really am, and I wasn't ready to enter a new decade since I hadn't fully lived my last one yet. However, as sad as it all was letting it go, there was also a sense of relief leaving that time that was filled with so many bad memories behind. It's not as if now that I'm 20 I know everything, and that I'll start living my life to the fullest right now - I still have to learn, and I have many hurdles to cross. But it still felt symbolic to me, like starting a new chapter. How cheesy is that? My life may not have worked itself out the way that I expected, but really, does anything? Everyone moves at their own rate, and right now, my main focus is on making sure I just feel content with myself in this moment. I can only hope that the next 10 years are filled with self growth, acceptance, and new experiences. I pledge to embrace and try to better understand my apprehension, not suppress it. C |
Authoradmirer of beautiful things, amateur artist, perpetually confused. Archives
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